I remember my first mood stabilizer vividly; lithium. Yes, as in the highly reactive chemical element of atomic number 3. I remember it so well because of the experience that it gave me, one that unfortunately scarred my already hurting mind.
Try explaining to a teenage girl that she is going to have to take a medication that is going to improve her mind but will change her body for the worst. In four short months I had gone from a bundle of mania and depression, to an extremely stable version of myself. This version of myself; 40 pounds heavier, with skin so bad that it bled and created open sores. I looked in the mirror, and although my mind was clear I was so sad by what I saw. I almost wished that my mind was full of wandering thoughts so that I wouldn’t be able to focus on how much I had changed. As someone who regularly attended the gym and ate a healthy diet, the feeling of defeat was more than I can explain. And so, after several months of mental stability, I weighed my pros and cons, and I decided that in today's society I would rather be beautiful than sane.
How sad it this? That I would throw away my mental wellness to feel desirable and worthy again. I won’t lie, it worked. In 2 months, I had already lost 30 pounds and the weight continued to fall off. The weight disappeared almost as quickly as my mental clarity. I continued to lie to myself everyday, telling myself that I felt fine, when my mind was a mess of a million emotions. My mania reappeared in full vengeance, as if it was angry at me for making it abandon my body in the first place. I knew that I was sick, but I didn’t care, because I felt beautiful again. As I sit here writing these words, I realize how twisted this train of thought is. In today’s word so many people will truly sacrifice anything to be beautiful enough, to feel wanted.
I am here to tell you that no matter what you do or how beautiful you may feel, it will never be enough. It will never be enough to sacrifice your well-being and your happiness. I have gone off and back onto medication more times than I can count. Every time that I have come off medication, it has been for the sole purpose of losing weight or clearing up my skin. EVERY SINGLE TIME, I have backed myself into a dark corner and have brought on more pain than one should ever be faced with. Unfortunately, this is a battle that you are going to lose every single time that you embark on it. I have learned that there are more important things than being a certain weight or a certain size, and yes one of those things is being stable and happy. I have given up on trying to fit a certain mold, instead I am embracing every curve and crevasse of my body. You will learn to love yourself, and with that you will find someone who loves you for you. A real relationship based off love rather than shallow encounters. You will love, and laugh, and thrive, but you need to trust me and accept the help that a few little pills give you. It may not seem that important at first, but I am promising you that it is the difference between existing, and truly living.